A whiter shade of pale

I Look up to you my Lord

I lay me down and I feel my strength and energy gone;

I lift my head and eyes to you to help me to carry on.

 

All melodies are gone; can you make me listen again to a song?

I look up to you because I need to be strong.

 

I look up to you to get some attention;

I need your help, I need your intervention.

 

Thinking , tangling in solitude.I beg you to  shine on me;

When storms have come and rain is pouring on me. Set me free!

 

You are the only one that knows what I go through;

I lift my head to you and my soul cries .Who else can I turn to?

 

Every road I’ve taken led me only to regrets;

I look to you to strengthen me and make me move on and  forget.

 

I look up to you to remind you that I exist;

How can’t you help me? How can you be so hard on me and resist?

 

My soul wanders sadly, unending .Show me some kindness;

I lift my head up  to you to let me still and talk to you in your silence.

 

Mesmerized by your power,  still I’m afraid and retreating;

Awed by the beauty called forward , still I’m mesmerized not moving.

 

Longing for  the touch, love, the gentleness of the caress that I can’t feel;

 Listening to voice rhythmic and soothing ,yet afraid. I look at you, keep me near.

 

I look to you to pull me towards all what is offered and open my eyes to see;

I look to you to make me feel safe.  Stop the storm tide and pouring rain on me.

 

I’m standing unable to separate from all that is known and what is untrue;

Standing unsure lost in my dreams and I still look up to you.

Namaste

G!han January 28^th 2010

Namaste means “I honor the place in you in which the entire universe dwells . I honor the place in you in which is of love, of truth, of light and of peace .When you are in that place in you ,and I am in that place in me ,we are one .”

Eyes Talk

In vision of the Dark I have dreamt of joy departed.

But waking dream of life and light has only left me broken hearted.

I’m not sure where this recent path  will lead me; I have no clue or plan.

Still Walking with uncertainty, fear to offer my heart and fall in love again.

 My lonely spirit guiding me, trying to reach a beam of light.

I trembled from afar with a chaos of deep passion.

Trying to walk this unknown path and let the flow lead me. 

Keeping to myself  my  fears, thoughts and disguising my compassion.

Where are the times when pure sincere love wasn’t a dream?

When love was shared and not only inside my heart.

When the paradise of love was a reality that brings,

Passion, lust, more feelings and lovely things. 

I gazed away to the moon and the proud glittering star.

My Past and present beg me to back off this time and to retreat.

Still gazing in space I see a twofold silence and shade.

My soul cries  for a bright beam to strengthen me thro’ this road I’ve chosen ,wherever it may lead. 

My soul suddenly opens up and the present I accept.

My heart feels sudden tranquility erasing all what my past still kept.

There is no right or wrong there is no need now for vows to bound.

And suddenly the beauty of the universe fills me and makes feel strong.

Unspoken words of love unfold and my inner spirit becomes bold.

I don’t wish to avoid his eyes ; they are so deep.

I don’t either want to question his unknown deeds.

I’ll let only the power of his tenderness, warmth overwhelm me and lead.

No need for words ,let them kept still and  unsaid.

He kissed me my head drooped low on his chest.

With a feeling of shelter and infinite rest, my emotions reach its peak.

Still my thoughts were questioning  but  my tongue dared not speak.

Look in my eyes there is no need for answers or old fashion speech.

When the winds get rough, I want to be the one you  seek and reach.

Heart beats against heart and in passion folds with heavenly bliss.

His lips clung to mine, I prayed they might never unclasp from this deadly rapturous kiss.

What words can speak affection so thrilling and sincere?

 Let them remain unsaid I don’t need for now anything to be clear;

Let time and fate unfold this mystery. For now I don’t wish it yet to be a history.

 I surrender, I yield from my fears, I’ll break free and whatever!

The imperfect me            G!han January 10, 2010

2010 begins with stillness and peacefulness

I feel the inner crushing urge to write something, but my mind is blocked my thoughts aren’t flowing anywhere! Are my thoughts frozen?  Well, it’s good to have the first day of New Year in complete quietness, tranquility and serenity …I found this song cute, father and daughter …the famous Paul Anka and his “not yet to be famous “ daughter …LOVELY SONG…Just what I needed to hear today;-)

 

when the tides of life turns against you? will you ride them?

“Never explain yourself to anyone .Because the person who likes you doesn’t need it, and the person who dislikes you won’t believe it”

I’ve always accepted myself as I am. Self acceptance is a prerequisite for becoming a healthy, integrated person. I am okay. I’m not perfect, but I don’t have to justify my imperfections. I don’t even have to pledge to fix them. I just have to acknowledge that they exist.I never paid attention to criticism either. Long ago I read a quote that I followed through my life path it says “Act likes the weather that pays no attention to criticism “and I must admit I’m happy with my beliefs.

My wish list for 2009 was ONE only. To teach myself the art of “letting go “as it has been a problem in my life throughout the years.

I‘ve always beaten myself when someone entered my life and left without reasons given or for reason he /she never gave .I spent days questioning  myself whys and maybes and the list of torturing myself was long  ! ….and it simply exhausted me and hurt me more.

 I found out that” letting go “was a big relief for me. I had to work hard with myself for this one small thing to reach my goal through 2009.

 I succeeded! I succeeded to accept the way that other people do things, and accept what happens in different situations. The truth that the only thing I can control Is, myself.

 I used more  often  in 2009 the word “WHATEVER ”, many friends found this word ridiculous., I find it not ridiculous at all , it just eliminate arguments , hard feelings and gives me  peace of mind .When I find myself misjudged or treated in a way I don’t deserve. I try to walk away fast and try not to let it affect me. I can’t control other persons behavior, change them, blame them .I know now that the outcomes aren’t in my hands and I accept it and whatever!

 For me it’s a victory I achieved through 2009 … I found out that the rules are VERY SIMPLE, if someone is ‘Into You’ he will let you know in NO UNCERTAIN TERM, and friends who love you will forgive you for the small mistakes you’ve done or said, add to this people who hardly know you and judge you,analyse every word you say or even don’t say . People who only crticize your looks ,habits or whatever you do , they shouldn’t have any place in my life. They simply don’t wish to accept  me as I am  .Their choice !!  My choice is if I still  wish to keep them around me or No!

I’ve always been a destiny woman .Luck or fate played a big role in my life.  I walked through my  entire  life planning ,worrying, passing sleepless nights  and I found at the end that something out of the blue just change all my plans ..Most of the time this destiny took me exactly where I wanted to go …rarely and seldom has it taken me where I have to be and fighting not to be there …

But does destiny has something to do with romance too?  I always thought it has something  to do with romance and the game of love .I  believed  that there was no action plan to find love .Love isn’t a gambling table in Las Vegas where professional gamblers  put their dollars and do everything in their power to make a plan and increase odds in their favor. For me however it’s simpler to put my dollars in the crap table, roll my dice, wait and hope the best.

Love, romance or the perfect man were never for me like buying a dream house that needs an action plan. I thought that accidently or by coincident and by being myself the simple and spontaneous girl I will find the right mate. …..I heard before from my friends:

 ”Where have all the good men (women) gone?” or, “All the good ones are taken!”

“I always answered that this wasn’t true. The good ones are still there and they will come to you when you searched the least and when it’s destined for you to meet them.

Was I wrong? Does finding the right person now need an action plan?

Do I have to read books about the rules of the do’s and don’ts on dates…Read more books about when and if you should call a man and many other plans about how to catch him and keep him and play hard to get !?Yes, I must know when to open up and when to play the mysterious.

 Serendipity the movie is unlikely to happen now, everything is getting more and more complicated.  

 So maybe I should change my beliefs for 2010 about romance and admit that there is nothing called love at first site. There‘s nothing called luck or fate .I should try more an action plan! The plan will be only 2 things:

1.  Not to open myself to anyone because even sincere feelings tend to be over stated and taken against me later. It pays to be subtle and mysterious.

2. Master my emotions. Wear a mask to hide my inside soul.

Now we come to the answer to my blog title “if the tides of life turns against you will you ride them? The answer is NO, I won’t!! I will just retreat or lie on my back and float.  

Welcome,to the love game .

It’s time for change. It’s time to do things differently.

I got my bear hug today before the New Year from my old lady neighbor ,I love .She’s sick in the hospital .I felt safe in her arms when she held me close  and  she passed her fingers through my hair .My heart pounded , raced  skipped a beat . My eyes were trying   hard to control my falling tears .Life changes  suddenly ,but a person  like this wonderful lady are like rocks and they  are priceless. This bear ,tender ,warm hug I will keep it with me through  this new coming year …

I whispered in her ears before leaving  …”thank you for loving me “

 WITH HER I WON’T NEED A PLAN TO FIND LOVE;-)

Bid adieu to 2009

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones. Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special!  How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, beer or a lingerie! Who’d have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously??
Christmas is not as much about opening our presents as opening our hearts. Christmas is always a day of remembrance; a day in which we think of everything we have ever loved.

Even if it is a headache, a chore, and nightmare, it is a period of necessary defrosting any hard feelings we have. We might call a forgotten friend, be more thoughtful and kind. , lift someone whose spirits are dragging even by a simple compliment. Say “I love you ”more often  to  people we love, sometimes these 3 words are forgotton with our busy life.

As we bid adieu to 2009 soon and the clock strikes twelve on December 31st, people all over the world cheer and wish each other a very Happy New Year. It is difficult not to believe that the next year will be better than the old one! And this illusion is not wrong. Future is always better, no matter what happens. It will always give us what we need and what we want in secret. It will always bless us with right gifts and blessings. Thus in a deeper sense our belief in the New Year cannot deceive us…

As year 2009 wasn’t the best year for me so I’m really happy it’s soon over and  I hope that 2010 will be much better   …..

So do we need our attitude to change in order to make the coming year better?!

Well, maybe  we must stay in closer touch with our family and good friends .We should stop magnifying small problems .Speak kindly ,be more thoughtful and think before shooting from our lips words that can be hard to digest..

Maybe forgive an injustice done to us in 2009. Listen more. Apologize when you realize you are wrong. An apology never diminishes a person. It elevates him.

We shouldn’t abandon our old-fashioned principles. They never go out of style. When courage is needed, ask yourself, “If not me, who? If not now, when?”

However you decide to bring in the New Year, have a safe and happy one, and try to think about just one thing you’d like to change about yourself for the coming year. It seems like the older we get the harder it is to change even that one thing” … “I’m talking about myself now”!

May the Christmas season fill your home with joy ,your life with love ,health, hope and laughter .My warmest wishes for a Happy New Year …

This is a picture of my beautiful city Montreal

G!han

Healthy or Unhealthy

“The more connections you and your lover make, not just between your bodies, but between your minds, your hearts, and your souls, the more you will strengthen the fabric of your relationship, and the more real moments you will experience together.” -Barbara De Angelis  

 

What is love? It is one of the most difficult questions for the mankind. Can anyone give the proper definition about love? 

We use the word love so many times in different ways .Even a score of zero in tennis or squash it’s called 40 love!

Love has different varieties it can be romantic, unending, deep love shared between 2 people or love between more than two individuals that bond, platonic love, familial love, religious love and much more.

But what really is in my mind now is relationships and love .Articles always mention

 Healthy relationship or Unhealthy relationship and I wonder why they chose the word HEALTHY to define a relationship! Is it like healthy or unhealthy food we eat?

I looked closely at the word HEALTHY and the letters that it consists and I found out how this small word of 7 letters can mean a lot.

Let’s begin with the letter

 H

Honesty: Partners trust each other to follow through on promises.

Harmony: Two people in love make beautiful music together, they don’t need to be the same but together but their differences are like the harmonized musical notes .A couple who exhibits a sense of joy and calm when they’re together.

Heart: Having heart for one another means nourishing each other.

Honor: Is holding each other in high esteem.

Hot: They enjoy a mutually satisfying sex life.

 E

Equality: Respecting the fact that you both counts.

Empathy: Being able to feel what each other feel.

Energetic: Exchange of vibrations like electrical force that draws you to each other.

Enthusiasm: Excitement about being together.

Empowerment: Supporting each other to feel stronger.

A

Acceptance: Knowing that you approve of each other.

Accommodation: Making adjustments for each other’s need.

Appreciation: Being grateful and responsive for each other and never take anything for granted.

Agreements: Making and keeping agreements is essential for trust.

L

Love: Cherishing each other and holding one another dear.

Loyalty: Being devoted to each other.

Listening: Paying attention to what each other says.  Their wants, needs, feelings and emotions are freely expressed and accepted without shame or guilt.

Laughter: Humor and they take the time to have fun and relax with each other.

Lust: Longing and desire draws you like magnet to each other.

T

Trust: Rely on one another and having confidence and faith in each other.

Talking: Communicating is a key.

Time: Together making and creating time together.

YES…YES to welcome positive feelings .Yes to a healthy relationship .Yes to life .YES to make it work .Yes to compromise .Yes, to give each other what you need and finally yes to love; to a loving relationship that become natural and effortless. Remember “Love” is only a word till someone gets along and gives it a meaning.

when will it calm down !?

        Took me months to feel like writing anything in this blog .Right after Christmas I was just overwhelmed with my own problems that haven’t been completely solved till this present moment.  But at least I took some decisions and steps that made me feel better about them.

I read the news papers daily and it all makes me feel down. Millions of jobs loss, weakness in the stock markets and we’re in the middle a deadly serious and worst recession period that have ever hit this country. Makes me more frustrated reading about people legally charged with sorting the mess and get us out of all this, they are buggering out to expensive beaches for quarter of this year.

Reading the news confuses me  too .I stayed a whole week reading about the especially awkward act of the USA president when he attended the G20 summit in London ,his action appeared awkward since among dozens of world leader and their spouses ,handshakes abounded ,but there appeared to be no other bowing in the room ,but him!

In all this political mess we read about celebrities, their kids and their exotic vacations. One like Madonna who is appealing the decision not to allow her to adopt another African child! Doesn’t she get it?????? She jumped in bed with a 22 years guy while she forgot that she was 50 .She’s crazy about her three hours daily gym ,diets , plastic surgeries to prevent her aging process .Why the hell is   she seeking to adopt another poor kid and make him live  her mental disability ?

Don’t news papers have something better to talk about then this sickening subject?

Now today’s headlines scream about the SWINE FLU crisis, wearing masks etc .I think that when this swine flu has eventually passed through our country it will have killed less people than what the normal flu kills every winter.

I was wondering if one day we’ll open the news one day and find these titles:

 “Jobs available for ALL different kind of people “

” Interest rates in banks are sky rocketing. “

” The air we breathe is 100% pure and the food we eat is safe.”

“Harmony and peace are all around the world.”

” No more nuclear weapons and wars. “

Or some funny headlines maybe that can put a smile on our faces at least!

 ”For women only! No more diet, men don’t care if you look slim or fat they only look deeper to explore your soul “;-)

 ” A man refused to work after his death. “

Or maybe”Red tape holds up new bridges “! 

………….. ”New recession clothes”!!! ??;-)

 The picture on top of the article I found it funny, it shows how big companies logos look like during the recession …

Have a great recession period all of you who are jobless and try to  enjoy your obligatory vacation as much as you can ,while listening to the song “ What a wonderful world “!

no to holiday blues !

Cheerful music playing nonstop, brightly colored lighted trees, maddening crowds in every store!  You switch on the TV and all what you see  advertising the perfect gift ,the perfect man  thinking about his sweetheart’s  perfect present , diamond rings , keys for a new car, ,Prada purses ,Louis Vuitton accessories and Victoria Secret underwear’s ! At the end of this perfect scene someone’s voice pops out and says CALL NOW! BUY NOW!

 The holiday seasons are all about these advertising now, it makes you feel that if you’re single you’re missing all the fun! From Christmas kissing in the snow, unwrapping gifts with Mr. Perfect, not to mention smooching with the perfect man on New Year’s Eve.

I went for a girls gathering and we laughed about all this, some of them are married, some divorced, others happy singles! Even though we don’t share the same status, still the season left us saying “BAH, HUMBUG” to love .

We can’t blame women that feel left out by romance on the holidays after all this spectacle we daily live! Being single doesn’t have to mean you are alone and lonely, so don’t let the holidays get you down.. Fill up your holiday time with gratitude for the blessings you have. Trust that when the time is right, you will meet the person meant to be with you. Until then, you have a lot of living to do right now.

Don’t let yourself drown and feel holiday’s blues that can prevent you to enjoy the real spirit of Christmas. It doesn’t have to come by the perfect gift or even the presence of a perfect man “who doesn’t  really exist”!

Turn things around by simply counting your blessings. All of us have things that can be thankful for….. a steady job ,decent place to live ,our  kids , family and wonderful friends ! 

The Christmas spirit actually is thinking and giving people who are less fortunate than yourself  .  Doing some volunteer work to share the good things you have in your life, inspire you to do some great for someone else .Be thankful that you didn’t gamble in stocks and lost your money due to this economic woes. Be thankful that you aren’t in an unhealthy relationship, instead you are a happy FREE single .Be thankful you still have a job ,while so many lost their jobs  due to  this recession period we are passing .

Happiness during the holidays as well as the rest of the year depends on the attitude you choose by being positive, cheerful, and attractive.

I decorated my Christmas tree, put some more lights than usual .I didn’t whine like every year when my boys found an excuse to escape from doing this job!

I enjoyed seeing them coming home with a big smile when they saw the tree lighted and they hugged me.

I will wake up early on Christmas Eve and bake my pecan tart and a roast turkey with Pureed sweet potatoes and peas” yummy “.I’ll take it to mom who invites the family for Christmas Eve’s dinner.

I decided with my girl friends to pamper ourselves and book a massage at the spa!!!!!!!!

Adding to this the normal volunteer work I’m used to do every year, It brings joy to my heart and nourishes my soul.

Finally if Christmas has you down, think that no life is perfect. And if something didn’t work well for you this year next year will be better!

To all my friends

 

I’ve always believed through my life that people walk into my life for a reason, nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. Still, when those people cross my life I’m not aware of the reason; if I knew the reason wouldn’t I know what to do with this person? As time passes by my perspective to see things changed.

Does it really make a difference to understand why people cross my life, whether they are for a reason, season or a life time?   Why do I have to place those people in any of these categories? Do I have to give this unplanned coincidence a name? Do I have to worry like I used to do before and wonder if they will stay or walk away? Sometimes out of the blue and without you doing anything wrong this person will say anything and the relationship or friendship just ends. Sometimes they just walk away without saying a word .Was it for a season or a reason …?  Who really cares! Somehow they made a “little” or” huge” difference in my life.

Some left significant footprints, memories and joy of sharing this time together .Some when I recall they bring a happy smile to my face, wondering what happened to them and wishing they never had to walk away or leave. I simply have a small place in my heart that will hold them forever. Others they just walked into my life and out of it. They left absolutely nothing to remind me of them, they seldom or never cross my mind. Still, life challenges made me grow!

Now I just trust my life has a road mapped or planned .These people are God sent always even if they come for a short time .Maybe they are just sent to assist me or support  me during this specific time of my life ?!Maybe to make me laugh, to listen, to introduce me to new things I have never experienced before. Maybe they crossed my life because they need me in their life as well as I need them.

Now I learned to accept the plan, relax, unwind, breath into my life as it is .Life is only moments.

I just felt that I might have missed to tell these special persons how much they meant to me with whatever they have given me and how they made a difference in my life. I don’t know what tomorrow have in store so before it’s too late I wish to say something to all my friends who are still here and the ones who are gone but touched my soul by any means “Thank You “.

Thank you all  that crossed my path ,who heard my babbling ,who lifted my spirit when needed  ,who shared my happy moments as well as my sad ones .Special persons  who gave me love and made me love back, who allowed me to be part of their life too  for a short or long time .Thank you for caring about me without the urge to change me .

Thanks to all of you who made my heart smile one day, to those who tried to show me the brighter side of things. I’m grateful to all of you .I’m all the better because somewhere, somehow someone has given me the chance of a true embodiment of friendship for as long as it was allowed to survive.

Now if you love someone and he/she is still in your life, show them that their presence is never taken for granted before they walk away or leave.

You all made of me the person I am right now. YES! You made a difference.

Wherever you are now my friends I still owe you A BIG THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. Now I leave you wondering while you read this, if you left footprints in my heart or just footprints in the sand that were erased by troubled waters.