Lately my feelings were a mixture of stress, anxiety, there is the faint stirring of uneasiness and words unspoken as yet. Honestly I couldn’t find a reason for all my struggles and I wondered why the hell I’m feeling this way!!!! Today standing in front of a shopping centre waiting my friend to park his car, I found myself watching a young mother load up her car. First the kids with toys in their hands , followed by two toddlers . Then some packages, diapers and other bags . She looked over at me long enough to give me a piteous sigh 😉 . I gave her back a big smile as if telling her to enjoy them while they are young , within the blink of an eye she’ll find “18” candles on their cake! How do years go by so fast?
Later this same day I went for my evening daily walk this morning scene came back to my memory. I suddenly recognized the reason of my stress!!! I SIMPLY MISS MY BOYS.
Since the beginning of summer each one of them had his own vacation plan to different destination. When they got back between their jobs, friends, girlfriends and their summer activities I hardly saw them for days. It seemed that I had to make an appointment to see either one of them .Then both flew again across the ocean to their normal summer destination to my beloved country Egypt . Hey! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining I understand what it is like to be “young “. How it’s fun to finish school and to graduate from college .We felt as if we owned the whole world .I was the one teaching them to enjoy every moment life grants, to always “dream big” and to struggle ,work hard to reach their goals and play hard too ! To seize every oppotunity that comes their way and enjoy life to the fullest !
Neither of the two were ever to be thoughtless, on the contrary they had been and still are “perfect boys” always caring, family oriented ,working , studying hard and supportive to me when needed. Being two handsome young men now they naturally didn’t really understand why I was worrying about them. .They stared at each other impatiently as they are usally in a hurry ,one of them answers “hmmm, ok mom we’ll be carefull”!… They didn’t and couldn’t understand that this Mom had some separation anxiety.
Heading back home I sat on a bench and my memory suddenly went back to my very early twenties, when I can honestly say, I had loved every bit of being a Mom, not once, not even for a single second regretting the hardships that went along having always a full time job and raising them. I wonder now how I did to adjust my life between my work and their busy scheduled without an extra free time.
I suddenly recalled their first smile, first tooth, the first hug and especially their tiny feet I adored .I used measure them and write how many inches they grew 😉
I recalled how they first crawled then they walked and suddenly I found them running. I remember even their first bike ride ….and suddenly now you’re handing them the key to the car. O my God this was like yesterday!
I remember tucking them in bed with a hug and a short story. In bed they used to talk to me about anything; school, friends, teachers to keep me where I am and not to sleep. I remember how much I loved playing with them, I even enjoyed the time I stayed for homework that never seemed to end .I miss their small size shoes and clothes, baking cookies, cleaning up finger-paints, and wiping noses , sitting beside their bed when they were sick .
Later when they were teens around our dinner table we discussed what we could do together on the weekend …Then my memory went to when the house was filled with their friends, I miss hearing their whispers , giggles and their friends raiding my fridge on regular basis 😉
…I miss driving them to scout and soccer games …I miss listening to their loud music and their cells buzzing with text messages. I even miss their beds undone and the clothes scattered all over the room … There are no shoes, schoolbooks, or sporting equipment left on the floor of the kitchen anymore ,everything is so calm my ears hear only complete silence !!!! My God, even the phone at home stopped ringing !It’s only my silly cellular that does !
I wonder now, had I been selfish having these stressful anxiety feelings since summer began? I’m totally aware it was the right thing for them to go out, travel and have fun and explore the world on their own. I will never stand in the way of the new and exciting experiences coming to them.
Well maybe this summer they are simply preparing me for their void they will leave when they soon quit the nest..?!!
Suddenly lightning and thunder woke me up from my day dreams and I walked back home .I open the door of the house which is clean, tidy, silent and empty.The boy’s room is left untouched, waiting for the return of their former occupants. I turn up the volume on my own music. I go to shower in the bathroom that remains oddly as clean as I left it .I have now my remote that I wished one day to have in my hands , but now I rarely touch it or think to switch on the TV ! I go to the kitchen to make a coffee the sink clean no cups ,no plates ,no mess .I take my coffee go to my lap top to write about my feelings . But I suddenly found myself released from my anxiety and fears and opened to positive aspects to cope with this new lifestyle and try to enjoy my new freedom…I look proudly to the frame embracing their picture and I think I did a wonderful job … May God bless them and give them prosperity; health; success and plenty of kids that will one day fill my life again … I will always be there for them when they need me as well that I’m 100% sure they will be there for me when needed …..
I’m suddenly asking myself now why I turned off my friend invitation to go to the country this coming week end….? No! I will go …we’ll swim in the pool, laugh, talk ,go for long walks and drink Sangria with lot of ice 😉 …..I still feel young 😉 even younger than both of them . ILOVE LIFE and as I always said that life doesnt have to be perfect to be just wonderful…..Being the happy woman I am I will never take all the beautiful things life offers me for granted .I will enjoy everyday, every minute ” la joie de vivre” is priceless ….and seeing you happy my sons will always be my joy !I will still enjoy the little time you give me and maybe once in a while we’ll share the three of us a dinner table again to laugh, tease each other and recall the happy time we had and still have MY FRIENDS 😉
Still waters run deep 
Gihan, Tough Love comes in many forms and your words have describe these feelings so eloquently. I must say I am always very impressed by your originality and think that more people should become fortunate enough to read your beautiful words from your heart and life experiences.
Kisses and hugs, your friend always, Melvin
Yes, Gigo, you’re right, I can so relate to your emotions 🙂
our kids were young together, sigh, it’s good to see them moving on anyway … may God bless them all,
Noran