There was a time ….

 Egypt is my beloved country that made me the person I am now…I went to English private sister’s school were we attended mass in the school church and had our religion class there. During these long years of school  I don’t recall that even once  we  talked  or mentioned religion with my school mates…We knew only that we all believe in one God and we didn’t worry about more than this fact …My best friends are Muslims we studied together, partied together, went to the beach on weekends ,we had wonderful time engraved in my memory till this very moment and will remain forever .When we finished school and we  went to  different universities  ,we still found the time on week ends to meet in our club and play croquet ,enjoy a bite together  or go to a movie !  ….There was a time when we studied together till dawn when exams approached and when it was late for one of us to drive home we shared the same bed …There was a time when it was safe to walk in the street wearing what we wish and never hear a nasty comment or fear a car bomb! It never even occurred to my mind that one day we will have any fears in our beloved  country! There was a time when their religious celebration was fun and we prepared our weekend’s getaway together. We shared a table to eat together after fasting a whole day …

There was a time when our Christmas was fun too when presents were under the Christmas tree for all our kids …This is how I spent my childhood and I grew up in an outstanding country where we all got along in a peaceful harmony .We just  accepted  each other without value judgment, without discrimination.

The first hard news of calendar 2011 was out of Alexandria my city ,moments after midnight a suicide bomber ignited more than 10 kilos of TNT —  into the crowd of Christian worshippers emerging from Mass in the Church of the Saints. I don’t write this article to judge or talk about politics “though I love to read news and know what’s going around me “, it’s not my job either to assume or accuse! But the event itself of killing innocent people broke my heart even if I live miles away across an ocean

2010 was a condensed year we’ve seen many big events like Terrorist attacks, The Time Square bomb scare. We also heard about all kind of natural disasters, Pakistan Flood that taken over 1/3 of the Pakistani Area,2500 People were killed in these floods.Haiti Earthquake that killed Thousands of people, the  BP oil spill , Korean tensions,  Iceland’s volcanic ash cloud, the arrest of Wiki Leaks’ founder . More people died in air crash ,aviation information show the death toll of air crashes death jumped 13% between 2009 and 2010, from 731 to 828!

 I just wonder every day when I read the news what’s going on, why all this chaos?!

This Christmas I think Santa received huge number of letters not only from kids but from adults too  .Kids  that ask iPhones, iPads, iPods, iPets and other iStuff. It’s all about “I” today -sometimes I wish more kids asked for a “WE” game instead of a Wii game, or an US-box instead of an Xbox. There was a time when we asked of simple regular stuff  and  we were happy to  find them under the tree …Santa must have been busy with adult letters too ,people  wanting jobs, companies wanting endorsements, politicians wanting votes, presidents wanting Medicare and Russian XXX girls wanting to marry older gentleman to get a passport or a visa .”

I must here pause and ask myself did anyone  think to write a letter begging for Peace , Love , Hope and Compassion in this world…? I don’t think!

2011 here you are in your very first week and we already saw Alexandria’s bomb, Arizona shooting, Iran air crash and a 5.9 magnitude earthquake in Chile and guess what ! dead birds falling from the sky and dead fish found in the sea ! More yet to come?

Come on 2011 stand still, calm down, where are you taking us!?

  Gihan

wish you health,joy,peace of mind and prosperity

We don’t only begin a new year but every year that passes makes us a year older …..Many things happened during 2010.It’s been like a rollercoaster ,many good times mixed with some challenges which were successfully tackled ,as if life wanted to toughen me up and teach me to develop an internal resilience 😉 Whatever happened through this year  I feel blessed and proud to have reached the 2011 with all the achievements and failures  throughout the years .
So many have never laughed, some people life haven’t given them the chance to   watch their kids grow or had a loving family like mine! …I’ve sadly seen young friends leaving the world too soon before their hair even could turn silver and notice the wisdom and freedom of aging…
A new year begins and I embrace it with positive vibes and my imperfection. I care less about  what other people think of me and I don’t question myself too much .I leaned that I earn the right to be wrong .I simply like the person I have become over the years  even if it’s far from being  perfect!  

I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing  and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me,they simply tend to be big and vague !Life is too short  to chide yourself   for eating an extra cookie or kill yourself  for an extra pound. Beat yourself  with guilt if you skip a week not going to the gym. Entitle yourself to a treat, to be a bit messy from time to time nothing wrong to be extravagant. 

Whose business is it if you choose to read or play? To sleep till noon on weekends and to even leave your bed undone all day! Your  choice to stay home or to go party , to go out with fashionable high heels or just a sneaker and a jump suit ?

I already walked away from people whom their presence only brings  worriers and send negative vibes they have no more place in my life !

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, , when you see a child suffering or when your pet gets hit by a car? When you see wars, racism killing and frightening so many people around the world ? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is  sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect. If I  never felt pain, then how would I know what healing is?
If I never had a trial, how could I call myself an over comer?
If I never felt sadness, how would I know the blessing of happiness?
If I never made a mistake or were in trouble, how would I learn from life?
If I knew it all and had everything how would I appreciate beautiful small things that come to my life by time and by my own efforts…If I had the answer to everything  and all the power  ,why am I  here  in this world with a brain to think and choices to make! Finally, life doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful .

Thank you 2010 for all the good and bad things you brought me because you made me the person I am now. Thank you for  allowing great new people to enter my life and made it outstanding and also thank you for taking the useless people  out of my life  and made it fantastic ..

Year’s end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us .

Happy New Year to all…;-)

            Gihan 

our privacy is in the air !

 

Do we really care about our personal privacy or we really aren’t aware how we ourselves make our privacy invaded? We “WILLINGLY” expose and reveal many things about ourselves on the internet and then we cry I WISH MY PRIVACY!

We go on search and type a name and Google “who knows it all and already  has a profile about each one of us with our interests and surfing habits” gives us hundreds of links about this person from address, phone numbers to his  resume with full name ,recent and old work history and much more .. When” Google voice” was released in 2009 we had already to say ADIEU to our privacy, Google won’t stop there we might hear soon a “Google bedroom” site released 😉 Sigh, I don’t wish even to think about this one ;-)!!

We go on face book and we put our pictures for friends and friends of friends and more friends of friends to view!! Some people think it’s a dating site and say they are interested in men and pick men/ women from friends of friends list too ! It became a competition who has more number of whom we call “friends “. “Friends “we haven’t seen for years and this can be a nice thing! Others were never our friends and we wouldn’t care a minute if we found them or not, but we still let them know our daily life details, our daily destination plans and let them watch our semi naked vacation pictures!

We find people talking on their cell loudly revealing the most intimate details of their lives and their day as they walk in the street, sitting next table in a café  or while  waiting for a friend outside an office building ,in a bus or  during  a break from a conference . It’s annoying!

Some of us do banking online or apply for a credit card and we are aware that we are revealing our income and personal info. We shop, we buy, we pay using our credit cards, we don’t assume that the information we disclose in today’s world will be available to our neighbor tomorrow……

These are some of the things we do WILLINGLY so we have to stop yelling that we need our privacy! Adding to this that our privacy is already invaded by other means we have no hands in it UNWILLINGLY!  Remember the famous phrase that came from the novel “Big Brother Is Watching You” and YES he is watching you!

We call a company and we hear “This conversation may be recorded for training purposes.” In other words, someone is listening and maybe recording, every word you say. Now they have cameras on street corners. This is supposed to find cars and drivers who speed through red lights. But, some of these cameras are pointed at pedestrians. Please don’t forget to smile you can be in Google street view ;-)!! We are watched at work every move we make by the help of transmitter badges and cameras. Big brother knows how much time we spend in the bathroom or smoking! In malls, in banks, ATMS, all department stores .Yes, big brother is watching every step we make! Maybe you need to take a quick peak under your car now maybe you notice a small GPS tacking device put by your wife / husband or boyfriend to spy on you ;-).Oh my How can I forget aiports and the new security screening …Dress appropriately to allow strangers to pat down your private parts , to eliminate the   urge of any emotional reaction from your part..I don’t wish to remember even my last flight 😉 

Most of us have nothing to hide we want to be able to go wherever and whenever we want, to speak to whomever ,we want  to read and buy whatever, we simply  want to do as we please outside and inside our homes, within the limits of reasonable laws. We don’t need a law that treats us like irresponsible kids a law that bans smoking in our private cars or in our houses …We don’t need a national food policy that tells us what to eat and what is unhealthy for us .All these recently food measures being implemented or proposed in the name of healthy eating , seems to me to be unhealthy dismissive of personal responsibility and individual liberties .Former prime minister Pierre Trudeau said there is no place for the state in the bedrooms …This same party seems to think that the state is desperately needed in the kitchen !! Give us a break, let us eat in peace and make our own choices, can we please be excused !? …Meal selection for me is considered something private!

Well, yes I scream I wish my privacy  but I still use all kind of technology that invades my privacy    and its part of my life  …I do my banking  , I tweet, I blog , I chat ,I shop online  ,I e -mail . I call companies and let them record whatever , I leave messages an hour later they return my call and leave a message and later I call and leave them one -and by the time we’re through messaging we’ve said what we needed and don’t end up talking” vive la technologie ”lol

 I have a face book with hundreds of “friends “whom many of them we never exchanged a word but they still   remember my birthday only because face book reminds them loll. I have to admit Face Book is the only  online program I’M NOT REALLY INTO    …I don’t want to reveal if I went dating , if I am single or in  a relationship .If I go  on vacation and with whom ! I have very few  family pictures to share .But  trust me none really cares  how I look everyday, what I wear or about my daily mood lol . I have more interesting  things to do in my life ! 

But being a non addict to face book doesn’t mean I haven’t any other sort of addiction!  I need to admit that I became a BB addict! My beautiful red black berry is my best friend …

In my car, I use every non-driving moment to check my email, whether I’m at a red light, or stalled in traffic– the guy or woman behind me NEVER  starts honking they are  too busy checking their  e-mails  too 😉

Any free minute I have I go browsing   for restaurants, stores, books instead of going to them.   I use my BB  as a flash light when its dark ,a calculator, GPS to find places I won’t  even go, I text instead of calling etc etc ………..Am I normal woman now that I’m in love with the machine?  

Sill I keep my smartness and I won’t switch to iphone 4, I’ll wait iphone 5. Maybe it includes a hair dryer, make up mirror, tweezers, a French manicure set  ,a fan , special button will help me cooking or cleaning …and who knows what more !

Ok now my BB is buzzing I have to leave you and return to my own  privacy!

   The imperfect me 10/11/10

                                                           Gihan

smile it’s only life !

Why this song?? Because it’s a beautiful happy rhythm AMOR “LOVE”! Love is supposed to be a happy feeling…We are used to sad rhythms listening to love songs , you all remember  “ I who have nothing “by Tom Jones lol and others ….but all the all the Buddha bar songs have a certain rhythm that put a smile on my face , they make me move without realizing ,while driving,  during  my 2 hour sweating at the gym ,it makes me even think positive  that I will become  slim like a  stick one day 😉  , even  while cooking the whole kitchen utensils seem like  stirring faster in the pans ..  I’m sure that you are moving now listening and reading me 😉

 Why do love songs always talk about separation, hurt, guilt and so on? I know love isn’t easy but while you experience it isn’t it such a beautiful feeling that you should memorize and recall with a smile, even if it’s over. 

Throughout all my years I was asking myself what exactly this L word means. Can anyone explain to me how love happens? How would you know if you’ve been bitten by the love bug? What are the symptoms of being in love? Could you stop yourself from falling in love?

So many books and articles defined this L word!! As per me it’s easier to live it without defining it. It’s just truth beyond any truth. ..It’s like the wind I can’t see , still it  hits me without asking permission . It’s just a simple warm fuzzy feeling that makes me “us “feel good … Falling in love I can’t control it , It ‘s involuntary.

It doesn’t mean if you still didn’t find unconditional love and your Mr. Right that every time we have fallen  in love is forgotten. .The wind blows us  here and there at least for sometimes till we find the right Yummy man and you become his one and only Yummy pie ….!

The wind blew me and I was happily bitten with the love bug numerous times throughout the years and I have no regrets for any moment. I really value all the relations in my life, in fact I love them all. I have created a lovely world for myself and when I feel alone, it just covers me up and hides me inside.

Trust me some people never experienced this je ne sais quoi feeling    ….I will again and again take this L path till I find my one and only unconditional love that I deserve ,the doesn’t track the wrong done by me but only remembers the right things done by me…

 How many times during my life I’ve left things behind me that I loved .I changed countries, cars, houses, jobs and friends!!!!Does this mean because I walked away from these things that I let it go? No, I continue carrying them within me but I never grieved them because everything I once let go has wonderful memories and beautiful moments and I was granted with better after …. So is love! I believe that love always finds me. A flame goes out, another flame is blown still a soft landing is never guarantee…But It’s worth the risk taken all I do is giving it my best which is  the only guarantee I can afford..

You went left and right with all the different types of people you dated. You had good times, but, it still felt incomplete and that void was still there. All of a sudden because of love your life straightened out and you began to feel a completeness you never felt before. Now tell me does that sound like something that should hurt? No it doesn’t!

I might have had difficulties understanding what the mirror of life is trying to show me, but it is always revealed to me one way or another. As the wise old sages say “out of stillness comes wisdom”.

The brilliant French psychoanalyst, Jacques Lacan, points out that although love—as commonly conceived—is, in essence, a futile chasing after something that doesn’t exist, there is nevertheless a love beyond this “making love,” a love that exists beyond lack and limitation and that involves a sort of ecstasy of being. The irony is that in making love we think we know what we want, but it turns out to be an illusion, while this other love touches on a real experience of which we know nothing. It’s a mystical sort of thing, as Lacan acknowledges.

So smile as I do now, it’s only life. Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans! I stopped planning myself. I forgot  the coulda, shoulda, woulda and just keep going…everything I lost or missed in life I always gained instead something better ..I was with my girlfriends last week and they were whining and bitching their luck of attracting the wrong men.  I just popped out with a sentence that never came to my mind before “We don’t attract wrong men we just allow them to stay in our lives”!!!They began laughing and every time one of them calls me she teases me about this sentence they now call it” Gihan’s famous quote”!!!!

I will never settle for less than what I deserve …. Let’s look at it this way – there are a zillion men out there. Even if you eliminate the married ones, the gay ones, the one’s who’re unavailable for any number of emotional or geographic reasons, or undesirable for any number of emotional or practical reasons, you still end up with a zillion available men..right??

Thanks to all of you who read my articles ,send me e- mails or make face book comments…My counter is rocking because of you .Love you all!

• Sometimes you just feel everything and nothing all at once. Sometimes you’ll find yourself smiling while missing something at the same time. At times you can absolutely love a person, all the while wanting to hate them. Life comes without guarantees, except that smiling with brighten your face, laughing will enhance your eyes, and , and falling in love will change your life …
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Kiss me !

While I do enjoy listening to music and often find it spiritually refreshing, when I need a spiritual boost or a quiet moment Sometimes it seems like there’s nothing that can lift that shadow weighing on my soul — until I hear that perfect song. But how and why this magic works is still something of a mystery.This was the perfect song for me that made me write these few lines below 😉

Kiss Me

Distant vistas with perfect stillness stretching;

Beauty revealing with creative sunshine shifting;

Inquisitive loveliness breath-taking;

Divinity gaining, creative whole –braining;   

While candles flickering  your lips to breeze passing;

Kisses that makes my head spinning, my energy draining;

Superfluous soul meet and our thirst increasing;

Moments of eternal ecstasy, silence, eyes shut, lips meeting and  finally surrendering;

And it’s at this moment I know how much I long for you; kiss me!

Gihan …..15 August   2010

 

 

There is a spirit in all music, the spirit has the ability to conjure up thoughts even pictures of something that happened or you wished would happen or you anticipate happening. Music has the ability to create ideas in you and me. It has the ability to encourage us to be creative.

 

Just words

 When I began this article  staring at a  blank page opened   infront of me , I was listening to Didier Barbelivien ….I had no idea that I will be able to write one word! …Did he inspire me? 😉

 

 

Yes, it’s me telling everyone “If you don’t have a kind word to tell me even  when I least deserve it , PLEASE KEEP SILENT “

♥ To write an article or a poem I must have a subject to talk about …the whole process of writing is not just something that happens to me while I’m typing or putting pen to paper.

 Writing from the heart means being constantly aware of my surroundings and my inner self.  That means that what appears to be a Writer’s Block is no more than a ROAD block.  And what do we do when the road is blocked? It isn’t that I don’t have anything to say, it’s just that t he particular road I’m on RIGHT NOW… is the wrong road for me.  Today!

Anyway, what can words do?! They are nothing but words written, read and forgotten.

 
♥ What words will do when one is blind to light unaware how words can hurt more than a broken bone! 

♥What words will do when one is moved by nothing, when insensibility sits over understand!

♥What words will do if one underestimate the power of a touch, a caress ,a smile , a kind word ,a listening ear and finally a small act of caring!

♥What words can do if one doesn’t know how to make account for every idle word that hurt and doesn’t know  when to be silent!

♥What words will do if one can’t say them to mend a broken heart or make someone feel better and instead use them to tear someone and make him feel worthless!

♥What words will do if one doesn’t know how to love or know the power of these three words I love you. When one doesn’t know anymore the difference between making love and having sex or the difference between friends ,lovers and friends with benefits !

♥What words will do if one is too busy to smell morning fresh coffee, look at the vast sky, notice the  full moon , endure the beauty of the universe and reveal it!

♥What words will do if wars, hate, death, destruction, fears instability, madness and racism became endless in a disturbed world !

♥What will words do when people became judgmental, selfish, vain and impatient!

♥What will words do if relationships are becoming fruitless, disposal and finding true love is hopeless and leave us only decisiveness and untruthfulness and regrets become endless!

♥What will words do if our politics became shameless and politicians’ attitude became worthless, their mistakes Countless and their decision baseless and mindless!

Like president Obama ,his country is engaged in two wars, the oil spill is raging and the economy is tanking but still president Obama find time to appear for an hour  in a fluffy DAY TALK TV SHOW  to talk about Mel Gibson , Lohan’s jail term! While the first lady has been lambasted for her extravagance and her trips  .The  last one of 4 days to Marbella that  costs  $250.000 and will  cost American tax payers a share for her lavish life style ! Ridiculous !

 

♥What will words do if acceptance is replaced by rejection! Peace of mind replaced by worries!

♥What will words do if we forgot about God, we forgot what’s caring, sharing, listening to a beloved one whispering .We forgot when to surrender like a river when it meets the ocean…We forgot compassion, passionate kisses, infinite touch and unforgettable sweet moments!

♥What word can do if a quiet mind, new possibilities, forgivingness, faithful friends and most of all OUR DREAMS are forgotten!

♥What will words do when Love only leaves us broken hearted with scrambled messages confusion, tears, giving up and missing!

Finally but not last these simple prose’s that came to my mind when I had the least idea what to write .These prose’s and endless feelings that I meet and live through my life path . Writing this article “if you can call it an article, it doesn’t look one to me 🙂 “I didn’t have to worry about rules of forms neither about rhythms schemes, meter stanza and line. It’s true that in real life I can go on and on talking and in this blog I can go on and on writing but among my most prized possessions are words and especially words I have never spoken only very very few close  friends know this about me  ♥ 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿ Kind words do not cost much. They never blister the tongue or lips. They make other people good-natured. They also produce their own image on men’s souls, and a beautiful image it is. –Blaise Pascal ✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

Say a kind word or make a kind gesture to someone today! Ialready  did;-)

Tough love !

 

 

 

Lately my feelings were a mixture of stress, anxiety, there is the faint stirring of uneasiness and words unspoken as yet. Honestly I couldn’t find a reason for all my struggles and I wondered why the hell  I’m  feeling this way!!!!  Today standing in front of a shopping centre waiting  my friend to park his car, I found myself watching a young mother load up her car. First the kids with toys in their hands , followed by two toddlers . Then some packages, diapers and other bags . She looked over at me long enough to give me a piteous sigh 😉 . I gave her back a big smile as if telling her to enjoy them while they are young , within the blink of an eye she’ll  find “18” candles on their  cake!  How do years go by so fast?

 Later this same day I went for my evening daily walk  this morning scene  came back to my memory. I suddenly recognized the reason of my stress!!! I SIMPLY MISS MY BOYS.

Since the beginning of summer each one of them had his own vacation plan to different destination. When they got back between their jobs, friends, girlfriends and their summer activities I hardly saw them for days. It seemed that I had to make an appointment to see either one of them .Then both flew again across the ocean to their normal summer destination to my beloved country Egypt .  Hey! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining I understand what it is like to be “young “. How it’s fun to finish school and  to graduate  from college .We felt as if we owned the whole world .I was the one teaching them to enjoy every moment life grants, to always “dream big” and to struggle ,work hard to reach their goals and play hard too ! To  seize every oppotunity that comes their way and enjoy life to the fullest !

Neither of the two were ever to be thoughtless, on the contrary they had been and still are “perfect boys” always caring, family oriented ,working , studying hard and supportive to me when needed. Being two handsome young men now they naturally didn’t really understand why  I was worrying about them. .They stared at each other impatiently  as they are usally in a  hurry ,one of them answers “hmmm, ok mom we’ll be carefull”!… They didn’t and couldn’t understand  that this Mom had some  separation anxiety.

 Heading back home I sat on a bench and my memory suddenly went back to my very early twenties, when I can honestly say, I had loved every bit of being a Mom, not once, not even for a single second regretting the hardships that went along having always a full time job  and raising them. I wonder now how I did to adjust my life between my work and their busy scheduled without an extra free time.

 I suddenly recalled their first smile, first tooth, the first hug  and especially their tiny feet I adored .I used measure them  and write how many inches they grew 😉

I recalled  how they first crawled then they walked  and suddenly I found them running. I remember even their first bike ride ….and suddenly now you’re handing them the key to the car. O my God this was like yesterday! 

I remember tucking them in bed with a hug and a short story. In bed they used to talk to me about anything; school, friends, teachers to keep me where I am and not to sleep. I remember how much I loved playing with them, I even enjoyed the time I stayed for homework that never seemed to end .I miss their small size shoes and clothes, baking cookies, cleaning up finger-paints, and wiping noses , sitting beside their bed when they were sick .

Later when they were teens around our dinner table we discussed what we could do together on the weekend …Then my memory went to when the house was filled with their friends, I miss hearing their whispers , giggles and their  friends raiding my fridge on regular basis 😉

 …I miss driving them to scout and soccer games …I miss listening to their loud music and their cells buzzing with text messages. I even miss their beds undone and the clothes scattered all over the room … There are no shoes, schoolbooks, or sporting equipment left on the floor of the kitchen anymore  ,everything is so calm my ears hear only complete silence  !!!! My God, even the phone at home stopped  ringing  !It’s only my silly cellular that does !

I wonder now, had I been selfish having these stressful anxiety feelings since summer began? I’m totally aware it was the right thing for them to go out, travel and have fun and explore the world on their own. I will never stand in the way of the new and exciting experiences coming to them.

Well maybe this summer they are simply preparing me for their void they will leave when they soon quit the nest..?!!

  Suddenly lightning and thunder woke me up from my day dreams and I walked back home  .I open the door of the house which is clean, tidy, silent and empty.The boy’s room is left untouched, waiting for the return of their former occupants. I turn up the volume on my own music. I go to shower in  the bathroom  that remains oddly as clean as I left it .I have now my remote that I wished one day to have  in my hands , but  now I rarely  touch it or think to switch on the TV ! I go to the kitchen to make a coffee the sink clean no cups ,no plates ,no mess .I take my coffee  go to my lap top to write about my feelings  . But I suddenly found myself released from my anxiety and fears and   opened to positive aspects to cope with this new lifestyle and try to enjoy  my new freedom…I look proudly to the frame embracing their picture and I think I did a wonderful job … May God bless them and give them prosperity; health; success and plenty of kids that will one day fill my life again … I will always be there for them when they need me as well that I’m 100% sure they will be there for me when needed  …..

I’m suddenly asking myself now why I turned off my friend invitation to go to the country this coming week end….? No! I will go …we’ll swim in the pool, laugh, talk ,go for  long walks and drink Sangria with lot of ice 😉 …..I still feel young 😉 even younger than both of them  . ILOVE LIFE and as I always said that life doesnt have to be perfect to be just wonderful…..Being the happy woman I am  I will never take all the beautiful things life offers me for granted .I will enjoy everyday, every minute ” la joie de vivre” is priceless ….and seeing you happy my sons  will always be my joy !I  will still enjoy the little time you give me and maybe once in a while we’ll share the three of us a dinner table again to laugh, tease each other and recall the happy time we had and still have MY FRIENDS 😉 

I will finally dedicate this article to the best accomplishments of my life, MY TWO BOYS.I won’t let them read it now but they surely will one day …Enjoy your youth and life and I will forever love you  …

 

 “It kills you to see them grow up.  But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn’t.  ~Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams 

spring has sprung

 

March!!! We went already at least once to outdoors cafes drinking our lattes, while both the cool air and the sun hit our face! The day is finally longer and we say goodbye to early darkness. Having said this, I can’t complain or whine like every year from freezing my butt in winter! So will have to find other subjects to whine about soon in my articles, beside men of coarse !! 😉

Getting back to our mild, unpredictable winter where rain washed snow so fast that we hardly saw it! As usual we human beings always find something to complain about, so this season the complaint was the frustration of car owners about the new law that requires to replace tires by winter ones .It’s true there was no need to do more expenses on winter tires, we could have survived safely with summer tires, but after all who could have predicted such mild winter!!

Couple of weeks ago  I was invited by a dear friend of mine up North , it was good to see snow for a short while  and return back to dry Montreal with a smile …This winter I felt like living in Vancouver, the place I always envied people living there during long ,dark and freezing winter seasons in Montreal.

I have to admit “though it sounds mean” I loved listening to the news and see how Canadians snow birds that escape winter and heading to sunny Florida were freezing there. 😉 .I think Florida economics will be affected in the coming years, if our winter will be so mild ,short and dry as this one!

The bottom line is that snow wished to trade places for a change and decided to hit France, England, Spain, Italy, Greece, New York, Washington even Vermont had three foot of snow and all these countries had the coldest winter ever since 3 years…And my beautiful city was like smiling proudly wondering what happened ! How could spring fever begin in February!?

This winter it was Americans concerned about listening to the weather forecasts every morning and buying boots and shovels…and we didn’t even care to listen to the Météo …Funny!

 

I began my evening long walks feeling already spring breeze and approaching summer makes my heart light with delight, I can even smile at a dog  in the street 😉

Normally before heading out for my walk I choose a song on my iPod to listen to ,it’s always chosen depending on my mood without realizing .Tonight as I walked I was listening to the song “ I Need You Now “ by Lady Antebellum ..Its number one hit this month in North America .I love the song but listening to the words, it made me think how difficult, painful and cruel to want and miss someone and how lately I felt that I need no one in my life and wish not to go in this whole  “missing someone” dilemmas anymore “. I don’t mean missing  only a  lover  here …I mean the whole missing process of missing a friend far away or someone who passed away and so on  ….” ! Tired  of this !

I feel like I’m on spring break from the outside world .These rebelling feelings began with me since January  .I don’t socialize much, I accept only strictly important invitations of very close dear friends or family .Only people who are important to me and I don’t wish them upset from my sudden inappropriate behavior !

I try as much as I can to find excuses when someone wish to join me during my walk or any other  activities. I turn off my cellular every evening. I just need no one to interrupt my  solitary mood I ‘m in right now !

It feels like the whole world is playing dodge ball, and I want to be NO part of it and my mantra became ‘Whatever’!

As fresh winds will begin to blow in a new weather pattern that enables me to reclaim the ground that I felt I lost lately. Trying to breathe in future possibilities and breathe out past setbacks as I move forward on my own.

I accept whatever are the results of this solitude mood I am in .I simply need it and enjoy it immensely. It won’t hurt to leave some things come around in its own time, keep my hands off the wheel while this ride is in motion and not to impose my brand and risk paying the price. I’ve paid my dues and have nothing to prove. Retreating and staying in my own comfort zone my home, with my sons, my activities ,my writings my painting, my  books and much more…All this is a self-renewing effort to maintain self-confidence, self-control, and independence and enjoy the art of being alone. I try to take appropriate precautions and nurture the finer things that are in tune with my needs and satisfying my senses. I might be called vane, self absorbed, egoist or narcissist?!!! My sons know I’m not and these are the only 2 persons I care about for now.

Let the results of my attitude speak for themselves. Let alone idle, trendy or high maintenance indulgences let alone lovers who don’t give back, let alone people who give you negative vibes and take your energy. I truly wish to miss no one anymore neither do I wish anyone to miss me!

I’m happy sharing time with me, moi and I! Pretending to be ignorant, deaf, blind and silent when needed. When family and friends complain from my attitude I give them my innocent look and say” OH! Me? I never meant to ignore anyone!!! I’m so sorry!!! And still walk to the beat of my own drum!

Finally spring has sprung but however I’ll still keep my smartness and I won’t pack my winter woolies or boots , maybe we’ll get another cold snap? Hopefully not !!

To end this article I have to say life is beautiful and no rush towards tomorrow, it might not be the way you expect it, so  better to enjoy today. Be happy and who cares if you are right!  Shout “hallelujah! 😉

This is the song “I need you now “;-) Enjoy ..

   G!han 18 March 2010

A silent pause

There is no need for attachment anymore

It’s all about Freedom

Flying

Soaring

Reaching for more

Letting go

To  surrender

I’m happy this month of February is only 28 days .I just pray  it  ends  by any means ….

Losing a loved one is like having the rug swept from under you.  I lost someone really special to me. I lost my old lady friend “my neighbor for 10 years” on the 14th of February , Valentine Day!…She’s the woman I wrote about hugging her in the hospital on New Year’s Eve. The hug I wished to keep with me through the year 2010. She’s gone but will never be forgotten .I will always be reminded of her words of wisdom, of her kindness, support, unconditional love  and care for me…I will always remember when I ran to her with tears saying  “ I should have done ”  OR ” I shouldn’t have done” , she smiled and replied gently ” When you did what you did at this time  it felt right , if you knew better you would have done better ,so no point to regret , just learn !;-)

If I write about her I will write a book full of beautiful memories, moments of joy and her non ending sorrows that she always embraced with a smile  ..I will never forget her face that brightened  with a big smile when I brought  her  morning coffee every morning  before I headed to work…She deserves to be mentioned in my blog , she loved my writing and I used to print for her every new article I posted .

I won’t write more now because my heart aches  and I wish to cry nomore . I want always to remember her and smile ….! May God rest her soul.

This same month of February , I lost a friendship and a  dear friend of mine .  It’s true that we were  friends for a  couple of months only , but we shared a lot together , a lot of laughs and unforgettable moments … And life is measured  only by moments,  quality moments and not measured  by years ..

As  friendship means freedom of choice , my friend chose to END  it. I wish my friend happiness , love and all dreams to come true ..!

Whatever mistakes, conflicts   and misunderstanding that happened between us this short time , I hope they are forgiven , forgotten and no hard feelings left.

It’s true that:

It takes a couple seconds to say hello, but forever to say goodbye!
Anonymous

                                         G!han   20 February 2010         

Happy Valentine’s day

There are many types of men. There are the “Honorable” men who are protectors that guard your heart, protect your emotion, defend your honor, and stand as champions for your spiritual mental and physical well being. They take a hard way to find and a worn path of emotional scars, broken heart, confusions, anger and sleepless nights.

And thinking back, I have to be ruthlessly honest with myself and admit I met my share of decent and Toxic men. I was lucky that the decent men were more and  the toxic men VERY VERY few. I can’t even call them toxic because deep down they were good persons .Yes ,honorable men still exist trust me  and they have a special place in my heart were I cherich with fond memories  .When I was younger and my friends had a bad relationship I remember they named the man Toxic !!!!  I labeled them differently  selfish, self centered, emotionally unavailable,with past issues, or simply players … Or I just never really cared to label them at all, I just walked away and whatever!

Hitting my 50^th and hearing lots of stories from friends ,I must say  YES there are Toxic men ! C’mon, just think about the word “Toxic.” They seep into the crevices of our lives, not necessarily killing us physically but definitely doing their fair share of emotional damage.

Men, who are always picking on everything you do or say. You know the type; for him nothing you do is good enough. You’re wrong, you’re too mouthy etc. Men who think they know You!!  They have put a big label on you after one date and a night of conversation. Men who think they are better or superior and every minute with his laser, hurtful tongue he shows that he can find better connection.

Not sure if these men realize they are toxic and hurtful…They suddenly change from Mr. wonderful in a blink of an eye to Mr. toxic…You can’t ever be happy around these men, their hurt is like a stinging bee…They hurt you over and over again…But it’s not the mistake of Mr. Toxic…It’s your mistake that allowed this emotional and verbal abuse they use. 

You simply feel stepped on, stepped over and  your self esteem and faith in love just going downhill or no where!
They can make you feel from complete happiness to like losing your mind in a blink of an eye…

Is he a man with a double personality …Hey I’m serious! Who the hell is he exactly?

These Toxic men think they are entitled to know all  about you still they never give you anything back .They simply get furious if anything is demanded from them even small tiny things you request…Are they selfish? Demanding, Ungrateful? Well it’s hard to figure out exactly what they are, but they are simply TOXIC! Men, who make you unhappy with low self esteem. They twist everything you say just to make you feel down, as if he punishes you for having your own mind and thoughts.

It reminds me of the song “killing me softly with his words”. He kills you softly with his calmness and soft words …While he does this, he is completely aware that he makes you freak out and drive you crazy …He can make you reach your peak, act like a fool, angry and simply lost out of words, wondering, confused and beating yourself and asking “why is he so hurtful, what have I done”? 

  This style of men always tend to disappoint you and we women our hopes and dreams are what make us want to wake up in the morning. But Toxic. Men have no clue. Because he cares not. He is completely ignorant to his hurtful ways. He has no empathy, no compassion, for other’s emotions he simply can’t see beyond himself Toxic Men often have a way of twisting things around, and turning issues around, so much so that you start to feel like you are going crazy trying always to explain that it wasn’t what you meant and it’s simply exhausting!!!!! They take their own issues, faults, or flaws, and project them onto you. It is strange how well they can do it.

He ignores you when he wants…He doesn’t ignore you when he doesn’t want..So it’s time to put boundaries and boundaries AREN’T rules…its simple things that make you feel good…

Each one of us have different boundaries that we must honor …The pain you will feel leaving such a toxic man is less than the pain you feel being treated like a doormat when you are around him. 

A boundary is simply to walk away when you don’t feel good.  If each time you get intimate with him you are worried what will happen next day. It simply doesn’t feel good…You are not relaxed and so STOP IT! The BOUNDARY is about not having sex unless you feel secure, relaxed, loved, adored and in a committed relationship. If he considers you a friend, a buddy, a lover, or someone they are dating “casually” until the right one came along! It doesn’t feel good either, so why not walk away and honor your boundaries. If he doesn’t give you time to look deeper inside of you and judge…You don’t need such men .You are who you are and you don’t need someone to judge you or point a finger at you all the time and he simply doesn’t know what to do with you. It’s a time when you have to stop and say “NOMORE it hurts too much,” I’ve reached my limits”!

We are all searching for a man who loves us ,who is compassion, kind and who want to commit and show you his good intentions…Why invest yourself with a man who doesn’t give you as much as he receives? Why invest yourself with a man who criticize you and make you feel off balance and you begin to lose control of your emotion and you mess up …while all what you wish is warmth , affection, someone who calls you, hug you, say thank you and show you how wonderful you are . You can’t go on fooling yourself any longer, and if you don’t break up, you will certainly be on a rocky path if you don’t work on what affects your very foundation. 

Putting energy with such men you will be accused later that you’re are chasing them, harassing them and annoying them. Set your own boundaries the way that make you get back your trust in yourself and simply feel good because we are wonderful. …Life lessons are hard and leave us drained with no enrgy and empty ..

Happy Valentine’s Day to every woman …and I hope if you aren’t with a Toxic Man and if you are, it’s time to move on…  If you are with an Honorable, Decent type who respects you, surprise you with a special gift, a bouquet of flower or showers you with affection. Don’t forget to say thank you and appreciate his wonderful presence in your life, don’t take anything for granted …

Again I have to say that  true love  and good men still exist. It exists as certainly as caring and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy.I’m grateful to all the honorable men I met through my life and I have to admit ” I WAS THE ONE TOXIC “!

                                                                     G!han  february 14 ,2010